Dougs are Brad

Don’t do Dougs. Do coke. Just not the new formula.

Commercial Jiggle of the Day: Episode 2

Maybe she’s porn with it. Maybe it’s Vulvaline. Vulvaline gets you greased up and ready to go.

And The Razzie Award Goes To…

Amber Heard for her performance in the “Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard Defamation Trial.”

Grumble

Introducing Grumble, the latest dating app where you can gripe about your crazy ex and tell your future exes to save the drama for their mamas. Available on all app stores under different names.

Balancing your Fentanyl and Mescaline Energies

The latest course from the Annie Woo-Mann Academy that will restore pharmacy to your life.

Netflix News

In a last ditch Hail Mary to acquire and retain subscribers, Netflix unveiled its newest service, Binge, a dating app for the “Netflix and Chill” crowd. Netflix’s proprietary algorithms will recommend personalized programming and other subscribers that are DTF after watching similar programming. Subscriptions start at $99.99 per month.

Eyeahuasca Retreat

I’ve booked my first eyeahuasca retreat. My goal is to acheive enleyetenment and open my third I. Once I become conscious, I will gaze upon my naval orange and take some Vitamin Sea. Then I will be free.

Am I working?

It’s a REMOTE possibility. I am more than likely watching the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial and reading about the Blac Chyna/Kardashian/Jenner civil lawsuit.

Assthetics: An Artistic Critique of Erotic Film of the 21st Century

Assthetics probes the anals of the pornographic film record to explore the high brow of getting down from a pretentious, postmodernist perspective. The body of work is so profound that AVN created a new category “Best Dickumentary to Masturbate To” just so that the film could be nominated and recognized.