I’m of sound body and mind
I have my tits about me.
Bury Toes or Berry Toast?
Release the bounds!
It’s time for the stunt!
Chief of Stiff Wanted
Hard skills only…those with soft skills need not apply.
Happy International Woo-Mann’s Way!
Annie and all are welcome to follow!
I will contemplate my navel and look within.
So Mann-y nuggets of wisdom…
Deep Thot of the Day
Having infinite wishes is the same as having no wishes at all.
Life is full of absurdities…
…and then you why.
As Seen on TP
Can’t find Ozempic or Wegovy? Not even meth or cocaine? Well we have the perfect weight loss solution for you! Introducing Ozempiss, the latest in over-the-counter diuretics. Piss away the pounds today! Available at all retailers not near you.
Riggedley’s Doublestint Gun
Double your pressure, double your run. Doublestint, Doublestint Gun! Defendant: “But your Honor, I didn’t chew it. I’m innocent!” Public Defender: “Take the flea deal.”
Pair of Eagles or paralegals?
Definition: 1. Shockingly bad or excessive clout chasing, 2. Very bold, unusual, and startling clout chasing. Please see social media.
Introducing the latest in obsolecence; an encyclopedia for the uninspired.
Accidental Double Entndre of the Day
“You can’t milk a nut.” – Me in response to almond milk.
There’s no “I” in “Team,” Molly…
That may be true, but there’s “E” in “Team” so you really need me.
Mr.Beast’s latest charitble venture
The WTF Eyes Bucket Challenge where he dumps a bucket of cadaver eyes over his head to raise awareness that no good deed goes unpunished.
Introducing Aspirrational, the intoxicating new fragrance from Cleopatra Klein
Deez Parrot Thoughts
Prolly wanna hacker?
Introducing the Sean John Tonometer…
…the latest in celebrity optometrical equipment. Get your eye air puff test while listening to Puff Daddy’s entire musical catalogue today! It can’t stop, won’t stop!
A formula won? No. Just like Annie, Evie needs a charge.
Definition: the state of having inconsistent dogs, beliefs, and attitudes especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attutude change among your dogs.
Does your money keep you warm at night?
No, but if I stitch it together, it damn will. Benjamin Blanket now available at the low, low price of no human intimacy.
Annieism of the Day: Year of the Rabbit Edition
“Life becomes a tragedy when there is no comedy.” Happy Lunar New Year! May the Year of the Rabbit bring you health, wealth, peace, love, laughter, and joy!
Annie Woo-Mann Atelier and Ready To Wear Spring Summer 2023 Collections
Women’s Wear Daily recently interviewed Annie Woo-Mann, an up and coming designer from NEwear, about her debut Atelier and Ready To Wear Collections for Spring/Summer 2023. Upon reflection, Woo-Mann mused, “The collections draw inspiration on frivolity and frolic. True luxury in fashion, as well as life, is just not giving a fuck and doing whatever…
Kid Joke of the Day
Which pizza likes to take photos? Cheese!
Mom, Dad this is my girlfriend…
Peg. Her name says it all. Plus she makes a great tossed salad!
Maybe It’s Bold Inside
I really can’t strayMaybe, it’s bold insideI’ve got to go this wayMaybe, it’s bold insideThis meaning has beenHoping that inspiration pops inSo, very preciseI’ll carry out my plans, they’re just like advice
Futility by Duncan Hines
These are the days. Fine frangrance sold at Macys and all fine grocery store retailers.
Introducing Panetone-A F, the first ever collaboration between Pantone and Amarena Fabbri. The 2024 Pantone Color of the Year will be known when customers cut their first slice of Amarena Fabbri Panettone in December 2024.
Definition: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own vanity or powers of reasoning when it comes to anal bleaching.
Riding Pan Am?
No I’m riding Pam Ann.
I’m sorry Ms. Jaxn…
…I’m not feal.
…like James. A gent double oh I’m going to come. Shaken not stirred.
Quandry or quarry?
Either way I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Dump For Prescience
Make Anus Glad Again!
If men and women didn’t cum together…
…humanity would seize the exit.
Go joke or go broke
Here we are now, entertain us.
Elon Musk revealed to be FSB Agent, Ilya Muscovite. He is currently in FBI custody awaiting arraignment.
Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen Divorce (finally)
“Now I can finally make sweet love to my football shaped fleshlight without my wife bitching at me,” Tom Brady was quoted as saying upon the announcement.
His inability to pay me back is downright criminal. Rich better have my money.
You can’t cache me…
…I’m Annie Woo-Mann. So quick it will make you slick.
The Annie Woo-Manniefestation Guide
If you willed it, they will pun.
Deep Thot of the Day
I don’t mince words unless there’s more than meats the pie.
The only weight loss I’ve been able to maintain?
My ex-husband! Thank you and good night!
Milennial parents name daughter, Catatonia.
Parents Josh and Jess stunned to learn Catatonia is a symptom of schizophrenia. “We always loved the names Catalina and Antonia so we thought we would combine them into a new name. We had absolutely no idea.” said mother Jess.
If only it were raining men…
Our bond is strong
Like James Bond or an atomic bond.
Mark Zuckerberg’s fever dream dead on arrival.
The latest in cryptocurrency brought to you by the Kardashians and Jenners.
It’s Mercury Retrofade!
Brought to you by Kid ‘n Play!
The Annie Woo-Mann Guide To Being a Dime Piece
Don’t short change yourself.
I am a Kibbe verified Theatrical Melodramatic
My essences are “extra,” “emo,” and “sunset boulevard.”
Introducing the latest dating app for your post-divorce, post-NFL life. Tom Brady approved!
The girl of your wit dreams.
Bodies: The Expedition (Royal Edition)
The most exciting World Tour we’ve ever known, the transport of Queen Elizabeth II’s body. Groupies threw flowers, Paddington Bears, and Marmalade sandwiches while the Commonwealth demanded that the monarchy return its usurped wealth. Dailymail reports Kanye West will make a hologram of Queen Elizabeth II to address the world at her funeral.
The Annie Woo-Mann Guide to Dating
1. Get a calendar 2. Note the dates 3. Enjoy those dates
RIP HMTQ E2
Grimes and Elon Musk reveal the name of their newest child, RIP HMTQ E2. They plan to call the child “Hmm” for short. Just kidding (of course). Rest in peace, Queen Elizabeth II. Annie Woo-Mann salutes you for dedicating your life to service.
Definition: The state of being attuned to your inner voice.
Introducing Kim Karkashgrab
The latest in celebrity Ponzi schemes (based on my opinion only and not on Annie or any actual facts) brought to you to by Kim Kardashian.
Kenny G Talks Saxuality
Kenny G came out as an oboesexual in an interview with Oprah Winfrey today. He told Oprah, “I played being good at Sax for the longest time, but it’s not me. It’s time for me to admit to the world I love oboes and women with their own places.”
Join my Pringles Group!
Tired of Pringles? Ready to eat the right one? Join today and get Lay’s!
Master of the neurotic arts. Turn me yawn because insomnia.
It’s our Annieversary…
…by Anny! Anni! Annié! Western/Tropical Astrologers: What can you tell us about Annie?
Blood In The Streets: Layoff Edition
Introducing the latest in tone deaf video games in the aftermath of Uvalde. Players will face opponents such as Sundar Pichai, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and many more as they fight for their jobs as well as their lives. Players will be armed with automatic machine guns because well this is America and can unlock…
First you get the funny…
…then you get the flowers… …then you get the Woo-Mann.
Choose your player. PlatinumPlatinum VeneersReal Housewife of Orange County
Can’t see the forest through the sneeze…
Basil Smell, Car’s Aroma
Your car’s aroma, whatever it is, drives me crazy. It starts out benign and then progresses into full blown assault on all my body, like skin cancer.
Treble without a Pause
Smack my pitch up.
Sex and the Suburbs
What’s that? The latest snoozefest brought to you by executive producer Sarah Jessica Parker.
Supporting drivel since 2021.
In celebrity news…
Demi Lovato reveals they/them are no longer the pronouns Demi uses. Co-opting marginalized groups for publicity/Attention Whoring are Demi’s preferred pronouns.
Introducing the latest dating app for people looking to meet their future spouse.
Blessed are the Heirquarians, for they shall inherit the mess Blessed are those who strive for the greater good, for God will help them Blessed are the weirdos, for they shall inspire us all Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied
Politico released a draft opinion piece written by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to overturn Loving v. Virginia. Experts speculate he is neither feeling loving nor Virginia and would rather invalidate his marriage and countless others rather than divorce his Karen and pay her alimony. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had no comment when asked…
Banksy’s lesser known sibling. Rumor has it Spanxsy is super tight with Sara Blakely.
I’m Annie Woo-Mann
https://youtu.be/H7_sqdkaAfo Whatever we want, whatever we needAnything we want done baby, we’ll do it spectacularly’Cause I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in we, it’s all in we I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in weAnything we want done babyWe do it spectacularly I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in weI can fight the good fight right nowEvery one from A to…
Monetizing my thots on WordPress
Madame Annie at your service. It’s big pimpin’ spreadin’ cheese.
The United States of Annie
Schlock and awe then Anniearchy.
The latest night club for current and aspiring absentee fathers. Spinning the latest in broken house music all night long.
Baby got stacks (of my cash). Instagram face with the OnlyFans booty.
Nostalgic for the future…
…cynical about the past… …and ambivalent about the present. Glib. Gaffe. Glove. Am I trite?
A woman not of this time, but of all time.
In corporate news
Coronavirus named Chief Growth Officer of Global Stategy and Operations.
Annieism of the Day
“There are thousands of girls out there who could be doing my job.” – Yasmeen Ghauri, Superannie of the Day
I have a knack for bad puns and living that Illionaire life. I don’t always get sick, but when I do, I use it as an opportunity to parody slogans. Dos Equis: 0, Corona: 1. Don’t stay thirsty my friends. Drink plenty of fluids, stay home, and rest.
Hey baby, what’s your sign?
STOP in tropical/western and EXIT in sidereal.
Preventative Health Care
Oxymoron of the day.
3 days and no nights at the Guiltton
Where all divorced, single parents stay when they can’t get away from it all.
Welcome to the UnAnnie Valley…
…where surgerized Sallys rally.
The White Nick Cannon
Join my colt…
at the Annie Woo-Mann Writing Academy. You can lead a force to fodder so you can’t make it think.
Introducing Drizzyland, the first bemusement park to open on Antarctica. Take a Nonstop ride on Drake Passage to get there. Fulfill all your Wants and Needs today!
Smokke and Mirrors
Introducing, Smokke and Mirrors, the latest unironic product launch from Kim Kardashian. Smoke and mirrors not included.
Inflation vacation what’s your station?
Cool house shock. I can’t believe I still have air conditioning.
I, Annie Woo-Mann, am getting married to N.E. Won. We are so in love with being in love. We plan to elope in Las Vegas so that we can continue to make other questionable decisions.
Latest from Annie
I’m Annie Woo-Mann (not my government name of course) and it’s all in me. My project is to create a community of female creators, comedians, and collaborators because I love collectives, camaraderie, and letter “C” alliterations. As my last name implies, I woo men and welcome all regardless of gender identity and gender expression. This is an all-inclusive place (minus the free booze) for you to have fun. If this sounds good to you, please subscribe and contact me at Annie@AnnieWooMannProject.com.
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Come what Mae…
West…honorary Annie at her best.
Annie get your pun
Dangerous when wit
It ain’t the heat, it’s the hostility…
The news gives me annierhythms so I had stop reading and watching. Ignoramus on abyss!
Today in Celebrity News
The rock band, Smashing Pumpkins, has partnerned with GE Healthcare to develop a mammography machine of the same name. Smashing Pumpkins will play “Today” while the patient is being examined to distract her from the fact that her breasts are being smashed. A spokesperson for the band hopes the machine will save lives and increase…
The last spicy thing to happen to my ass…
was preparing for my annual colonoscopy because hot sauce squirts
In the next season of The Handmaid’s Tale…
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virginia, and Wyoming.