As Seen on TP
Can’t find Ozempic or Wegovy? Not even meth or cocaine? Well we have the perfect weight loss solution for you! Introducing Ozempiss, the latest in over-the-counter diuretics. Piss away the pounds today! Available at all retailers not near you.
Riggedley’s Doublestint Gun
Double your pressure, double your run. Doublestint, Doublestint Gun! Defendant: “But your Honor, I didn’t chew it. I’m innocent!” Public Defender: “Take the flea deal.”
Cloutrageous
Definition: 1. Shockingly bad or excessive clout chasing, 2. Very bold, unusual, and startling clout chasing. Please see social media.
Mr.Beast’s latest charitble venture
The WTF Eyes Bucket Challenge where he dumps a bucket of cadaver eyes over his head to raise awareness that no good deed goes unpunished.
Introducing the Sean John Tonometer…
…the latest in celebrity optometrical equipment. Get your eye air puff test while listening to Puff Daddy’s entire musical catalogue today! It can’t stop, won’t stop!
Dognitive Dissonance
Definition: the state of having inconsistent dogs, beliefs, and attitudes especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attutude change among your dogs.
Does your money keep you warm at night?
No, but if I stitch it together, it damn will. Benjamin Blanket now available at the low, low price of no human intimacy.
Annieism of the Day: Year of the Rabbit Edition
“Life becomes a tragedy when there is no comedy.” Happy Lunar New Year! May the Year of the Rabbit bring you health, wealth, peace, love, laughter, and joy!
Annie Woo-Mann Atelier and Ready To Wear Spring Summer 2023 Collections
Women’s Wear Daily recently interviewed Annie Woo-Mann, an up and coming designer from NEwear, about her debut Atelier and Ready To Wear Collections for Spring/Summer 2023. Upon reflection, Woo-Mann mused, “The collections draw inspiration on frivolity and frolic. True luxury in fashion, as well as life, is just not giving a fuck and doing whatever…
Maybe It’s Bold Inside
I really can’t strayMaybe, it’s bold insideI’ve got to go this wayMaybe, it’s bold insideThis meaning has beenHoping that inspiration pops inSo, very preciseI’ll carry out my plans, they’re just like advice
Futility by Duncan Hines
These are the days. Fine frangrance sold at Macys and all fine grocery store retailers.
Pantone-A F
Introducing Panetone-A F, the first ever collaboration between Pantone and Amarena Fabbri. The 2024 Pantone Color of the Year will be known when customers cut their first slice of Amarena Fabbri Panettone in December 2024.
Asslighting
Definition: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own vanity or powers of reasoning when it comes to anal bleaching.
Breaking News
Elon Musk revealed to be FSB Agent, Ilya Muscovite. He is currently in FBI custody awaiting arraignment.
Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen Divorce (finally)
“Now I can finally make sweet love to my football shaped fleshlight without my wife bitching at me,” Tom Brady was quoted as saying upon the announcement.
Milennial parents name daughter, Catatonia.
Parents Josh and Jess stunned to learn Catatonia is a symptom of schizophrenia. “We always loved the names Catalina and Antonia so we thought we would combine them into a new name. We had absolutely no idea.” said mother Jess.
Introducing Kleptokurrency
The latest in cryptocurrency brought to you by the Kardashians and Jenners.
I am a Kibbe verified Theatrical Melodramatic
My essences are “extra,” “emo,” and “sunset boulevard.”
Bodies: The Expedition (Royal Edition)
The most exciting World Tour we’ve ever known, the transport of Queen Elizabeth II’s body. Groupies threw flowers, Paddington Bears, and Marmalade sandwiches while the Commonwealth demanded that the monarchy return its usurped wealth. Dailymail reports Kanye West will make a hologram of Queen Elizabeth II to address the world at her funeral.
RIP HMTQ E2
Grimes and Elon Musk reveal the name of their newest child, RIP HMTQ E2. They plan to call the child “Hmm” for short. Just kidding (of course). Rest in peace, Queen Elizabeth II. Annie Woo-Mann salutes you for dedicating your life to service.
Introducing Kim Karkashgrab
The latest in celebrity Ponzi schemes (based on my opinion only and not on Annie or any actual facts) brought to you to by Kim Kardashian.
Kenny G Talks Saxuality
Kenny G came out as an oboesexual in an interview with Oprah Winfrey today. He told Oprah, “I played being good at Sax for the longest time, but it’s not me. It’s time for me to admit to the world I love oboes and women with their own places.”
It’s our Annieversary…
…by Anny! Anni! Annié! Western/Tropical Astrologers: What can you tell us about Annie?
Blood In The Streets: Layoff Edition
Introducing the latest in tone deaf video games in the aftermath of Uvalde. Players will face opponents such as Sundar Pichai, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and many more as they fight for their jobs as well as their lives. Players will be armed with automatic machine guns because well this is America and can unlock…
Basil Smell, Car’s Aroma
Your car’s aroma, whatever it is, drives me crazy. It starts out benign and then progresses into full blown assault on all my body, like skin cancer.
Sex and the Suburbs
What’s that? The latest snoozefest brought to you by executive producer Sarah Jessica Parker.
In celebrity news…
Demi Lovato reveals they/them are no longer the pronouns Demi uses. Co-opting marginalized groups for publicity/Attention Whoring are Demi’s preferred pronouns.
The Heirquarians
Blessed are the Heirquarians, for they shall inherit the mess Blessed are those who strive for the greater good, for God will help them Blessed are the weirdos, for they shall inspire us all Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied
Breaking News
Politico released a draft opinion piece written by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to overturn Loving v. Virginia. Experts speculate he is neither feeling loving nor Virginia and would rather invalidate his marriage and countless others rather than divorce his Karen and pay her alimony. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had no comment when asked…
I’m Annie Woo-Mann
https://youtu.be/H7_sqdkaAfo Whatever we want, whatever we needAnything we want done baby, we’ll do it spectacularly’Cause I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in we, it’s all in we I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in weAnything we want done babyWe do it spectacularly I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in weI can fight the good fight right nowEvery one from A to…
Gangus Schwanz
The latest night club for current and aspiring absentee fathers. Spinning the latest in broken house music all night long.
Nostalgic for the future…
…cynical about the past… …and ambivalent about the present. Glib. Gaffe. Glove. Am I trite?
Annieism of the Day
“There are thousands of girls out there who could be doing my job.” – Yasmeen Ghauri, Superannie of the Day
My Corona
I have a knack for bad puns and living that Illionaire life. I don’t always get sick, but when I do, I use it as an opportunity to parody slogans. Dos Equis: 0, Corona: 1. Don’t stay thirsty my friends. Drink plenty of fluids, stay home, and rest.
3 days and no nights at the Guiltton
Where all divorced, single parents stay when they can’t get away from it all.
Join my colt…
at the Annie Woo-Mann Writing Academy. You can lead a force to fodder so you can’t make it think.
Drizzyland
Introducing Drizzyland, the first bemusement park to open on Antarctica. Take a Nonstop ride on Drake Passage to get there. Fulfill all your Wants and Needs today!
Smokke and Mirrors
Introducing, Smokke and Mirrors, the latest unironic product launch from Kim Kardashian. Smoke and mirrors not included.
Inflation vacation what’s your station?
Cool house shock. I can’t believe I still have air conditioning.
Wedding announcement
I, Annie Woo-Mann, am getting married to N.E. Won. We are so in love with being in love. We plan to elope in Las Vegas so that we can continue to make other questionable decisions.
Latest from Annie
I’m Annie Woo-Mann (not my government name of course) and it’s all in me. My project is to create a community of female creators, comedians, and collaborators because I love collectives, camaraderie, and letter “C” alliterations. As my last name implies, I woo men and welcome all regardless of gender identity and gender expression. This is an all-inclusive place (minus the free booze) for you to have fun. If this sounds good to you, please subscribe and contact me at Annie@AnnieWooMannProject.com.
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It ain’t the heat, it’s the hostility…
The news gives me annierhythms so I had stop reading and watching. Ignoramus on abyss!
Today in Celebrity News
The rock band, Smashing Pumpkins, has partnerned with GE Healthcare to develop a mammography machine of the same name. Smashing Pumpkins will play “Today” while the patient is being examined to distract her from the fact that her breasts are being smashed. A spokesperson for the band hopes the machine will save lives and increase…
The last spicy thing to happen to my ass…
was preparing for my annual colonoscopy because hot sauce squirts
In the next season of The Handmaid’s Tale…
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virginia, and Wyoming.
The Annie Woo-Mann Project 