Parents Josh and Jess stunned to learn Catatonia is a symptom of schizophrenia. “We always loved the names Catalina and Antonia so we thought we would combine them into a new name. We had absolutely no idea.” said mother Jess.
Like James Bond or an atomic bond.
Mark Zuckerberg’s fever dream dead on arrival.
The latest in cryptocurrency brought to you by the Kardashians and Jenners.
Brought to you by Kid ‘n Play!
Don’t short change yourself.
My essences are “extra,” “emo,” and “sunset boulevard.”
Introducing the latest dating app for your post-divorce, post-NFL life. Tom Brady approved!
The girl of your wit dreams.
The most exciting World Tour we’ve ever known, the transport of Queen Elizabeth II’s body. Groupies threw flowers, Paddington Bears, and Marmalade sandwiches while the Commonwealth demanded that the monarchy return its usurped wealth. Dailymail reports Kanye West will make a hologram of Queen Elizabeth II to address the world at her funeral.
1. Get a calendar 2. Note the dates 3. Enjoy those dates
Grimes and Elon Musk reveal the name of their newest child, RIP HMTQ E2. They plan to call the child “Hmm” for short. Just kidding (of course). Rest in peace, Queen Elizabeth II. Annie Woo-Mann salutes you for dedicating your life to service.
Definition: The state of being attuned to your inner voice.
The latest in celebrity Ponzi schemes (based on my opinion only and not on Annie or any actual facts) brought to you to by Kim Kardashian.
Kenny G came out as an oboesexual in an interview with Oprah Winfrey today. He told Oprah, “I played being good at Sax for the longest time, but it’s not me. It’s time for me to admit to the world I love oboes and women with their own places.”
Tired of Pringles? Ready to eat the right one? Join today and get Lay’s!
Master of the neurotic arts. Turn me yawn because insomnia.
…by Anny! Anni! Annié! Western/Tropical Astrologers: What can you tell us about Annie?
Introducing the latest in tone deaf video games in the aftermath of Uvalde. Players will face opponents such as Sundar Pichai, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and many more as they fight for their jobs as well as their lives. Players will be armed with automatic machine guns because well this is America and can unlockContinue reading “Blood In The Streets: Layoff Edition”
…then you get the flowers… …then you get the Woo-Mann.
Choose your player. Platinum Platinum Veneers Real Housewife of Orange County
Your car’s aroma, whatever it is, drives me crazy. It starts out benign and then progresses into full blown assault on all my body, like skin cancer.
Smack my pitch up.
What’s that? The latest snoozefest brought to you by executive producer Sarah Jessica Parker.
Supporting drivel since 2021.
Demi Lovato reveals they/them are no longer the pronouns Demi uses. Co-opting marginalized groups for publicity/Attention Whoring are Demi’s preferred pronouns.
Introducing the latest dating app for people looking to meet their future spouse.
Blessed are the Heirquarians, for they shall inherit the mess Blessed are those who strive for the greater good, for God will help them Blessed are the weirdos, for they shall inspire us all Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied
Politico released a draft opinion piece written by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to overturn Loving v. Virginia. Experts speculate he is neither feeling loving nor Virginia and would rather invalidate his marriage and countless others rather than divorce his Karen and pay her alimony. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had no comment when askedContinue reading “Breaking News”
Banksy’s lesser known sibling. Rumor has it Spanxsy is super tight with Sara Blakely.
Whatever we want, whatever we needAnything we want done baby, we’ll do it spectacularly‘Cause I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in we, it’s all in we I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in weAnything we want done babyWe do it spectacularly I’m Annie Woo-MannIt’s all in weI can fight the good fight right nowEvery one from A to ZContinue reading “I’m Annie Woo-Mann”
Madame Annie at your service. It’s big pimpin’ spreadin’ cheese.
Schlock and awe then Anniearchy.
The latest night club for current and aspiring absentee fathers. Spinning the latest in broken house music all night long.
Baby got stacks (of my cash). Instagram face with the OnlyFans booty.
…cynical about the past… …and ambivalent about the present. Glib. Gaffe. Glove. Am I trite?
A woman not of this time, but of all time.
Coronavirus named Chief Growth Officer of Global Stategy and Operations.
“There are thousands of girls out there who could be doing my job.” – Yasmeen Ghauri, Superannie of the Day
I have a knack for bad puns and living that Illionaire life. I don’t always get sick, but when I do, I use it as an opportunity to parody slogans. Dos Equis: 0, Corona: 1. Don’t stay thirsty my friends. Drink plenty of fluids, stay home, and rest.
STOP in tropical/western and EXIT in sidereal.
Oxymoron of the day.
Where all divorced, single parents stay when they can’t get away from it all.
…where surgerized Sallys rally.
The White Nick Cannon
at the Annie Woo-Mann Writing Academy. You can lead a force to fodder so you can’t make it think.
Introducing Drizzyland, the first bemusement park to open on Antarctica. Take a Nonstop ride on Drake Passage to get there. Fulfill all your Wants and Needs today!
Introducing, Smokke and Mirrors, the latest unironic product launch from Kim Kardashian. Smoke and mirrors not included.
Cool house shock. I can’t believe I still have air conditioning.
I, Annie Woo-Mann, am getting married to N.E. Won. We are so in love with being in love. We plan to elope in Las Vegas so that we can continue to make other questionable decisions.
West…honorary Annie at her best.
Dangerous when wit
The news gives me annierhythms so I had stop reading and watching. Ignoramus on abyss!
The rock band, Smashing Pumpkins, has partnerned with GE Healthcare to develop a mammography machine of the same name. Smashing Pumpkins will play “Today” while the patient is being examined to distract her from the fact that her breasts are being smashed. A spokesperson for the band hopes the machine will save lives and increaseContinue reading “Today in Celebrity News”
was preparing for my annual colonoscopy because hot sauce squirts
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virginia, and Wyoming.
The 2nd Amendment, the United States’ protection and retirement plan all in one! Gun control and Social Security? Pfft… Gun intended. Puns not guns. National Suicide Pevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
…cold brew ’em.
Introducing Incum Streams, the latest class taught at the Annie Woo-Mann Academy. Students will learn Simp/Incel Psychology, OnlyFans Content Strategy, and the Art of the Finesse. Sign up today!
…expanding your consciousness and penis since 2021.
Central to other places you’d rather be.
Dye your hair blonde if it isn’t naturally blonde Be a willowy white woman Read Ayn Rand’s books like your life depends on it Trauma bond over childhood wounds Tell him how much you “like” horses
I caught my spouse cheating on me with my lover. Can I have revenge sex with both of them? – Furious in Florida
Introducing the latest in benefits. Sign up you and your codependents today!
Introducing KinkedIn, the only prosexual networking app for consenting adults. Available in all app stores under different names, such as Tinder.
Annierhythm: Expansion and flailing of limbs in attempt to dance to pop music; dance that resembles someone having a stroke or seizure.
…I just can’t seem to keep it together and stay within the lines.
…because their meaning hounds me from the Far Side.
…so are the daze of our lives.
Introducing Humble, the latest dating app that only matches you with Kendrick Lamar. Available on all app stores not on your phone.
Bot wait, there’s more. Twitter deal in peril to distract the public from the fact (allegedly) Elon Musk engaged in a 3-way!
Will the COVID-19 pandemic end? Will climate change burn the planet? Tune into the next episode tomorrow and the next day and the day after that…
Introducing Tender, the latest sausage party disguised as a dating app. Available now in all app stores under different names.
I play the Penis like Lizzo plays the flute. My debut performance at Carnegie Hall is scheduled for never.
The only vacation rental app that also covers all your depiliatory needs for your sagging scrotum. Available in all app stores not on your phone.
Dolly Parton, Doja Cat to star in Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza musical (usatoday.com) Parton’s goddaughter, Miley Cyrus, will also make a guest appearance to promote her latest easy listening duet with Doja Cat, “Marijuanaville.”
Politico just discovered Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is shilling for Mommie Dearest: The Joan Crawford Adoption Agency. When reached for comment beyond the grave, Joan Crawford responded, “No more wire hangers!”
“At least I’m not Disney.”
Rock out with your cock out at the hen party.
Don’t do Dougs. Do coke. Just not the new formula.
Maybe she’s porn with it. Maybe it’s Vulvaline. Vulvaline gets you greased up and ready to go.
Amber Heard for her performance in the “Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard Defamation Trial.”
Introducing Grumble, the latest dating app where you can gripe about your crazy ex and tell your future exes to save the drama for their mamas. Available on all app stores under different names.
The latest course from the Annie Woo-Mann Academy that will restore pharmacy to your life.
In a last ditch Hail Mary to acquire and retain subscribers, Netflix unveiled its newest service, Binge, a dating app for the “Netflix and Chill” crowd. Netflix’s proprietary algorithms will recommend personalized programming and other subscribers that are DTF after watching similar programming. Subscriptions start at $99.99 per month.
The latest dating app for the miserly. Available in all app stores under diffetent names.
I’ve booked my first eyeahuasca retreat. My goal is to acheive enleyetenment and open my third I. Once I become conscious, I will gaze upon my naval orange and take some Vitamin Sea. Then I will be free.
It’s a REMOTE possibility. I am more than likely watching the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial and reading about the Blac Chyna/Kardashian/Jenner civil lawsuit.
Assthetics probes the anals of the pornographic film record to explore the high brow of getting down from a pretentious, postmodernist perspective. The body of work is so profound that AVN created a new category “Best Dickumentary to Masturbate To” just so that the film could be nominated and recognized.
I am a worm and no Woo-Mann. A worm in a black hole, but the Son will rise again and wash away the pain. May all who read my blog be blessed regardless of religious/spiritual affiliation or lack thereof.
Introducing the most personalized Dramamine yet. Just simply answer 1,000 questions to be matched with participating pharmacies in another state. Boating made easy, breezy, beautiful. Cover hurl.
I’m a hot lobotomy!
The least fun party you can have with your ex.
My medium? Living large on a small budget because SIZE matters!
Definition: A woman who will cook, clean, and crank at all hours of the day.
Could you please wire me $100,000? My mother thew her back out in a freak cat feeding accident and is also being held ransom by kidnappers. If I don’t pay them off, I will get deported and be unable to meet you this weekend at the Piggly Wiggly.
-Some girl named Molly.
Latest from Annie
I’m Annie Woo-Mann (not my government name of course) and it’s all in me. My project is to create a community of female creators, comedians, and collaborators because I love collectives, camaraderie, and letter “C” alliterations. As my last name implies, I woo men and welcome all regardless of gender identity and gender expression. This is an all-inclusive place (minus the free booze) for you to have fun. If this sounds good to you, please subscribe and contact me at Annie@AnnieWooMannProject.com.
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The latest dating app exclusively for addicts. Available on all app stores not on your phone.
“Putin may circle Kyiv with tanks, but he’ll never gain the hearts and souls of the Iranian people.” – U.S. President Joe Biden True and utterly embarassing at the same. God speed Ukraine and President Volodymyr Zelenskyy! The Democratic World supports you! Slava Ukraini!
Scientists at Kraft University discovered a new subatomic particle today named “crouton.” The subatomic particle crushses all expectations as it simutaneously possesses positive, neutral, and negative charge. The purpose of the subatomic particle is still under investigation, but scientists speculate the crouton provides balance and harmony to the overall atomic structure.